Sunday, August 20, 2006

I did not marry you to yell at your kids

When we marry we have all these starry eyed ideas about how we are going to present ourselves to the other person after the wedding.

We might have let them hold our hair as we puked after too much alcohol, we may have had them apply cream to intimate rashes, we may have spilled something very staining on their expensive rug but after the wedding "all that was going to change"

We are always going to wear matching underwear (some of it even less than six months old!) we are going to wash (regularly) with sweet smelling scents and generally be sexier, more energetic, perfect, organised, hard-working, inspirational, clever and generally more brilliant so spouse-person will look at us and think "good choice"

Mmmmmmm....... How can I put this?


After two years and a bit researching this theory, I can report back from the frontlines that this is a great theory but it bears about as much relation to the truth as the statement that the Grand Canyon is a bit of a pothole.

The underwear is still M&S "whatever happens to be clean on the day" and worn until it falls apart. Showers I have done without I am not afraid to admit.

So let's go through the above one by one:

Sexier? You should see the state of my stomach. On the other hand perhaps not. It sort of resembles a burst flesh coloures balloon overhanging a flesh colored cliff. Not pretty.

Energetic? I have slept on the sofa some nights because I am too tired to walk upstairs.

Perfect? Perfectly bleeding awful more like it (see moody incidents ad naseum as recorded in this blog)

Organised? I haven't seen my housekeys in a week. I have also given up finding the things other people have lost. I am not the British Rail lost property office or perhaps I am as they never have what you lost either.

Hard-working? Please! I would spend all day in my PJs watching old films with Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant if I could get away with it but I can't so I don't.

Inspirational? I nearly inspired two grown engineers to cry last week. Does this count?

Clever? I wish.

Generally more brilliant? Erm.... no

Instead of all of the positives above, I am the same as I ever was except I now yell at kids on a regular basis. Therefore people that is the only change to you after you do the marriage and kids thing - you yell at the kids, frequently. I wonder who childless people yell at? Probably each other but as parents you cannot show any such indulgent weakness. Small people smell cracks in the armor and drive large tanks through them.

In conclusion, thinking that marriage will change you is akin to all those walking wrinkle collections on the more extreme Channel5 documentaries who think that a plastic surgeon pulling their fanny up about their ears will make them look youthful again.

So why do it? Is it because you want to spend more time with a person? Forever and ever. No it is not. We all know how frail a human life is, how easily it is ended and if you don't believe me, get off the fucking internet now and read a newspaper. If we thought that a marriage was going to last until the end of our days, we would be grossly indifferent to the other person . After all what is to stop us taking them for granted as they will be there forever anyway?

We marry because we want to spend more time with a person. We also want to intergrate ourselves so far into their personal, family and private life that our lives together look like a plate of tangled spaghetti thus making it harder for them to get rid of us.

The thing to ask before a marriage is not "do I want to be with this person forever". It is "what do I want from our lives together?" When you know your answer, let me know and I can compare it to mine.

My answer is that I want someone to love who really loves me and I am the luckiest woman in the world because that is what I have.


Violet said...

It's a good enough answer to me. Is it what you got?

Anonymous said...

Do you mean the British fanny or the American fanny?

Colin Campbell said...

I don't think I yelled at anyone until the kids were about 3 and 5. Now I can't help myself sometimes. It is therapeutic and powerful. I almost always regret it. My son hates it and my daughter doesn't like it much. Of course there is absolutely no link between their behaviour and mine (in their minds).