Saturday, September 09, 2006

I'm just a sweet transsexual…

Reeeeelax dear readership, all four and a half of you of you. This is not Trisha nor Jerry, I have nothing to admit worthy of the daytime confessional and if I do, that is between my Priest and I. Hey, I’ve been at home during the day breastfeeding therefore needing to sit still so I know these people exist and what their "your mother's brother's boyfriend had sex with our underage cross-dressing truck under the porch and now it won't run on unleaded cos it is pregnant" shows are all about. Lowest common denominator entertainment, that is what but more of that later.

Tonight I am a professional widow. No that is not some sort of weird solo sex act, it just means hubbie has gone to work and I am here channel surfing or cursing freeview, whichever you prefer.

Bit of dilemma, what would you choose to watch?

One channel is showing ‘The Thomas Crown Affair’ (the modern one) with Rene Russo (who I want to look like when I grow up) and Pierce Brosnan in a skirt with bigger love handles with than me (good for him!)

Another channel is showing Mel Brookes skit 'Silent Movie' which is the only film to make me laugh so hard I gurgled drink up through my nose. The man is a genius, true, but he should have left ‘The Producers’ the HELL alone or at least put Lee Evans in the new film version. However, I guess once you have directed Madeline Kahn, who is after Lucille Ball, the best American comedy actress ever, everything else is just, well, a remake. I have to admit if I ever met Mel Brookes, my first question would be; What was it like working with Ms. Kahn? Watching her on the screen is a very humbling thing in that she has the most perfect comic timing ever. This is something you cannot learn, you have to be born with.

Another channel is showing ‘Far from Heaven'. It is hard to decide with that film if the colours, the costumes, the acting, the photography or the leading lady (Julianne Moore) are the most beautiful things about it. At least I stand a sporting chance of looking like Rene Russo (if I diet and exercise like a mad thing and then have plastic surgery for years and years on top of that or rather on bottom of me) but Julianne Moore is just the most perfect looking woman. It would be depessing if it she were not so inspiring.

Another channel is showing ‘The Scorpion King’. As a former classical studies student (hey, I can finish the London Times AND Metro crossword, can you!? - BTW, this is not boasting, if I were boasting, I would mention attaining a first despite being dyslexic but I don't want to boast so I won't :) I love any interpretation of ancient times. After all it was the old studio films like Jason and the Argonauts and Ben Hur which got me interested in the subject, I was thrilled when the whole The Mummy epics started. It was 'Bring ‘em back alive' crossed with 'Jason' crossed with 'Indiana Jones' crossed with Oded Fehr, who is proof that God loves women and wants them to be happy.

So with all that classic comedy, brilliant modern cinema and epic classical tale to watch, what do I end up leaving on? Tim Curry in a dress and killer lipstick, that's what!

‘The Rocky Horror Show’. What can I say? I have a thing for men in dresses :) Although I have to say if I was a chap, the sight of tiny tits, as you have to refer to Susan Sarandon as she was then, singing “touch me” in that squeaky voice would be enough to turn me gay in a very male on male way.

In Dublin for years and years, 21 in total if you really want to know, the Stella cinema in Rathmines ran a Rocky Horror Show screening at midnight on Fridays. Audiences came knowing all the words and wearing all the costumes (and less!) If you are the woman who wore the topless red velvet basque week after week all through the winter of 2002, fair dues to you Missus!

So which film would you have chosen to watch anyway and am I the only one to see a startling resemblance between Tim Curry and Francis de la Tour of Rising Damp?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

What a way to make a living ....

Today I am mostly listening to Franz Ferdinand at very loud volumes here in corporate towers. I tend to do this on days when I am writing documentation to stop me from going demented at the utter corpospeakedness of phrases like “The sequence of events has been clearly defined in the accompanying documentation”

Fourteen, yes FOURTEEN pages of shite just to say, “probably safe to let the production team install it in our live environment as long as you can find the one of them that can read in order to do it”

I am having a "professional" issue with someone from Production at the moment but I think I am hiding it rather well. Do you agree? It is one of those fundamental arguments that happen every day in corpo-land. I think they are a total tool (as in about as much use as a headless hammer) and they disagree. Hey-ho.

Coming back to the documentation, I wonder will anyone spot the part in the conclusion where I say “yes it blooming works, now take the damm thing as far away from me as you can physically get it before I throw it in the river below”

Sometimes I wonder if I am really cut out for life in corporate towers.

I love the work, I love playing with software, operating systems, networks and wires and servers. I occasionally get brave enough occasionally to play with the switches (albeit with one eye closed and the fingers of one hand crossed behind my back) I even get on well with pointy headed people. I just hate all the other rubbish that is a symptom of working in the IT industry in most major cities.

I liked working in IT in Ireland where things were more simple. This was a place where the sound of birds song could be heard in the open office windows all the time, the sun always shone and the smell of barley in the fields came wafting through on gentle breezes.

Well, ok, all that might be a bit of sepia induced nostalgia but communications always went something like this:
Boss: “Well?” (meaning does the darn thing work and any chance we can release it next Tuesday)
Me: “More chance of me passing a tractor through me arse” (meaning no, the sheer volume of bugs as well as the limited range of the actual functionality compared to the broad spectrum of the desired functionality means that it is not a suitable piece of software to set loose on the unsuspecting general public)
Boss: “Fuck” (meaning, ah this is not the reply I desired. I shall have to have a word with engineering to see if I can persuade them into a beer and pizza fuelled overtime frenzy in order to get the majority of the defects fixed)