Friday, September 22, 2006

Waiting to live ….

Why are you here, why are you reading this. Are you, like me and occasionally feeling like you are waiting to live.

Are you waiting to live seriously? "we'll get married once some complication is removed"
Are you waiting to live trivially? "I'll win the fairtrade raw coffee bean eating competition once I kick my psychologically imagined aversion to caffeine"
Are you waiting to live? "fill in the spaces here yourself"

We all do it. Do the words “I’ll do it, once this computer game, project, this week’s work, this developmental phrase or whatever is over” ring familiar to you?

Recently have you declared:
“Once my partner comes back from abroad, we will stop staying up late watching the crap on cable and go to bed early every night and have sex” or
“Once my period is over, I will stop being grumpy all the time”or“Once my Mother has gone back home, I will stop consoling myself with a pot of ice-cream every night and lose weight” or
”Once I settle in at work, I will embark on a series of training courses to give my brain an outing and some exercise”
“Once this (latest) holiday is over, we will start trying for kids”

If so dear reader, you too have been waiting to live. Eithear seriously or trivially, you decide.

Why do we put off curing bad habits until some seminal event in our lives is completed? The thing is, it is really hard to cure unless you realise it is a problem.

Procrastination only came into being as a word because motivation had not yet been invented.

What if I was killed tomorrow? What if a London no.386 bus knocked me over (not a 54 because they go to Woolwich and who the hell wants to be snuffed out by a Woolwich bus??!)If I was killed tomorrow, I would be well pissed off at the fact I had been waiting to do so much trivial stuff.

Of course, I (we) work very hard for the important things. We work at our marriage; we try to make each other happy. We try to make each other laugh. We work at raising happy children, we work at raising healthy children, we work at raising mannerly children. We work to bring up the children so they do not want for anything, we work to put a warm dry roof over the children’s (and our) heads. For all this work we are rewarded with a rich love life, a comfortable (very messy) home, lovable children, a great wine cellar (hic) and the ability to sleep like the dead at night.

That is not to say that everyone who works at this and does not attain it is unworthy, we are aware that luck (a lot of it) comes into our lives as well.

However there is another side to me that occasionally looks out at the horizon a tad restless and wanting something less rather than more. There is space (if not time) for triviality in my life. All I have to do is slot it into my weekly schedule between 38 hours working, six hours walking to work, 6 hours in the gym, 5 hours housework, 4 hours cooking, 7 hours playing with and reading to the children, 16 minutes making love (showing off, I know) 1 hours shopping, an hour in the coffee shop and the rest of the time conked out …. usually snoring …with my mouth open …and dribble pouring out ……(I’m pure class, me)

Of course there are important things I want to do like instil in the children a love of literature and a sense of independence. I want to progress in my job, being known as a techie female rather than a woman who works in IT. (Some days I am there, some I am not) Travel with my husband to far-flung exotic places where they do not serve rancid fish and mozzie body parts (one of our honeymoon highlights –don’t ask!)I want to take part in a competitive sporting team, drive my children to their sports training over the weekends and keep a smile on my husband’s face.

Catering to my frivolous side, here is a list of trivial completely unimportant things I have not done yet that I would really like to do (in no particular order)
* Climb all the way up to the cab of a skyline crane and look at the view below. I would really like to go in one of the cranes in Docklands I pass them everyday and I am bursting to ‘have a go’
* Lose another 21lbs (36lbs gone to date –yay me!)
* Walk on to a trading room floor to see if it is really as bad as I have been told it is
* Walk into church with my tall handsome son on my arm
* Write a book
* Re-read all the works of Shakespeare
* Run my own pub as a retirement project with wines sourced from our travels and copious amount of good simple foods. Have you ever had butter, onion and chive mashed potatoes with champagne? You don’t know what you are missing. I also recommend bread and butter pudding with a tawny port. Oooooh.
* Run the London marathon
* Walk into church glaring so hard at the tall handsome man my daughter has on her arm that I make his neck go red
* Do a bungee jump
* Have my hair cut as short as a boys
* Walk into B&Q and ask them for their wooden knobs without collapsing laughing
* Go on the window cleaning rigs on one of the Canary Wharf towers
* Learn Spanish just because it is there
* Re-read all the works of PG Wodehouse in sequence of events (rather than random and cronological order which I have already done)
* Get to the point where I can no longer relate to Dorothy Parker but I can write as well as she did. That is never going to happen as phrases like "brevity is the soul of lingerie" are never going to occour to me but I can dream.
* I would like to take up fencing again, I was deadly at it in college and I would love to take it up again. There is something very appealing about masked aggression posing as a discipline.

There are more but these are the main ones. Some to take me out of my comfortable walk to work existence and some to bring me even further back into my past and my comfort zone. I’ll make this pledge now, I know several people who work around London’s Docklands (Hi Peter) and read this blog, so if any of them offer me the opportunity to do anything I’ve said I want to do, then I will do it.

In the meantime, as soon as the kids are a bit older, I’m doing a bungee jump (promise)

Oh and as a consolatory note to those who fear otherwise, I am never going to behave myself!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Richard Hammond critical

Apologies to all readers who do not know who Richard Hammond is but I was quite shocked tonight to come in from the gym and learn he was critical in hospital after a car stunt for the BBC Top Gear car show went wrong. In the neurological unit to be exact.

TV presenter critical after crash

I love Top Gear. It is hard to decide if it is the cars, the mad stunts the presenters do, the 'experiments' like converting three normal land-lubber vehicles to ocean-going (well lake-going) disasters or the celebrity interviews like asking Christopher Eccleston what was wrong with him because he was 30 before he learned to drive.

Profile: Richard Hammond

Definitely the presenters are the biggest factor in making the show. Ok, a lot of people can put across madcap ideas and some can even bring them to fruition. Care to convert an Estate car to a typical old-fashioned English living room with a wood burning stove and bring it for a run on the motorway anyone? However, on Top Gear, it is the way the presenters come across as three schoolboys who could not believe they are effectively being paid to play with the most expensive toys in the world makes the show very appealing. Start a conversation about Top Gear in any room in the UK and I will guarantee you that most of the people in that room will say that presenting that show would be their ideal job.

Look at that face, almosts moves me to want to pay for the pints!

Hammond is my own favourite. James (May) is ok but you get the feeling that if you ventured into conversation with him and went beyond the subjects of cars, his job, beer and not very many other things, his eyes would start to glaze over. Jeremy (Clarkson) is ok too, funny obnoxious if you like that kind of humour but, oh my lord, does his voice grate. I seriously could not like to wake up to those sardonic tones on the pillow beside me every morning, I would end up hurting him.... An hour in my living room a week is fine, any more would not be. Now we come to RH, the pocket rocket, as I have heard *female friends* refer to him (ahem....) You get the feeling he would be a great man to go for a pint with and there are not many people who move me to say that about them. He is funny, warm, able to take a slagging, daft, a little bit brave, perserverant and he gets the giggles, which is a very endearing feature in a cute man.

My heart goes out to his wife and daughters tonight. Daft bugger. I hope he recovers fully soon.

The vampire jet, the one RH was driving is now in postcard sized pieces according to witnesses

This is the car Hammond was driving when he crashed. It is called the Vampire Jet. It weighs 2,200 lbs, is 30 feet long and uses 7-10 gallons of fuel per mile. It can go from 0 to 272 mph in 6 seconds and is powered by the Rolls Royce Orpheus jet engine which is theoretically capable of 370mph. The car holds the "Outright British Land Speed Record" which he was trying to beat when he crashed.

23:14: Sky News have just reported that Hammond's condition has been downgraded from critical to stable.

See, prayers do work after all.

In the last few hours 1600 people have mentioned Hammond in their English-speaking blogs, I imagine very few had a bad word to say about him. That is a lot of good wishes going through t'internet.

He has to come back to Top Gear once he recovers (positive thinking people!) Can you imagine the slagging he is going to get? Jeremy will feign amazement that "the teeth" are still in one piece and James will insist on strapping him into a child's safety seat before he drives anything. I imagine the producers may also try to introduce a new motorised shopping trolley review section, guess who that segment will go to?

Imagine the fun he will have filling in the question on official forms that reads: "Have you had any accidents in the last 12 months, if so please describe in detail in the blank box below"

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Rack out for all to see ....

Here they are ....

in all their glory....

(I am a bit nervous so bear with me)

for all the world to see and judge ....

(be kind now, this was not easy to do)

are my quite gi-normous ....

womanly racks!!!!


Front view

Side view

Full bodied eh?

Here is some of my designer kit ...

Look at the casing on that!!

Here is my desk (quite tidy for me) with its luxuriant view of the river flowing through E14 below.

C'mon, you didn't really think I was going to post photos of my body, did you? FFS, two of the people who read this blog are son's of my parent's friends!

Yes I am out of my funk and back to full form again. Dunno what got into me. Sometimes the stupidity of the world really does get to me. However tonight, if you are so silly as to listen to designers who want you to be ridiculously thin so you make their overpriced rags look good or to an insecure partner who wants to feed you up to put other people off you, then good luck to you, you need it. It is much easier being happy, take my word for it.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Dirty pictures warning

Following my mild wanderings down the path of body facism and those who conspire to make women hidiously fat or thin (see last post) , I have decided to reveal my rack in the name of a social experiment.

All five of my regular readers can take a look at my new frame and declare it wiry or a cellulite covered mass of wobbley love bits.

The photos go up tomorrow. Me and my kit and then my racks exposed for all to see.

So there!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Hardcore bone

I am not in love with myself tonight so I am going to have a rant against everything I perceive as making me feel this way. Now would be a really good time to leave if you are not used to gobby females.

Look at those pictures, no, really look. Which one do you find the more attractive? If someone held a gun to you head, who would you take to bed with you?

You see I do not feel I have to choose. I do not feel it is a case of being one or the other.

How dare someone try to dictate to me what the perfect body size for me should be.

What a ridiculous world we live in. If you are not slim, you are fat and vice versa. Pffttt I really really do object to that nonsense.

Yes I, who am on a diet, am giving out about body fascism. No, neither of these portraits represents how I look right now. Neither represents how I think I look nor how I would wish to look. They both just look ill. I hope they both get the help they need before they die.

How awful, a world where some are starving due to circumstances beyond their control, some choose to starve themselves into sickness and some choose to eat themselves to death.

Make it better, hug a size 12 today. Hug a size 14 tomorrow and go to bed with a real woman the day after. Don't buy the clothes from the fashion houses which enforce the fascism of the size 0. Don't watch the programmes with the size 0 actresses. Have a cream cake, try running a mile and would someone give that bag of bones Misha Baron a sandwich for fuck's sake.

Balance is everything. Self-control helps. Most fashion designers are plump gay men and most 'feeders' (those who love and nurture obsese women) are small men with a severe lack of self-esteem.

If you have to, be a bitch and take control of your body.

There is hope though. Spain has started by banning skinny minnies from their fashion shows.
I hope other countries follow and this results in a dramatic decrease in the numbers of women screwed up by negative body image.

Skinniest models are banned from catwalk. By Fran Yeoman, Carolyn Asome and Graham Keeley, in Barcelona

REAL women will rejoice at the news: waif-like models are being pushed off the catwalk.

The organisers of Madrid Fashion Week have announced that they are banning skinny women to develop a more healthy image for the event this month. If any very skinny models do turn up, they will be classed as unhealthy and in need of medical help.

Madrid city council, which sponsors the fashion week, has ordered that every model on show must have a body mass index (BMI) of at least 18. Models who are 5ft 9in (1.75m) tall must weigh a minimum of 8st 11oz (56 kg).

Esther CaƱadas, Spain’s best-known model, does not qualify under the new rules as she is said to have a BMI of only 14. Almost a third of the women lined up appear to have been barred. The council promised that a nutritional expert would be on hand to check every model taking part in the shows, and that any woman found to have a BMI of below 16 would receive medical treatment.

Read more here
And in the UK, where the average size is 14 (the size of Marilyn Monroe) any chance they might follow this sensible lead?
The organisers of London Fashion Week, which begins on September 18, said that they would not be introducing a similar rule. According to the leading agency Models 1, the models with the biggest pulling power are likely to be those with the smallest waistlines. “We have changed a lot in that there have been many more requests for bigger models, but on the catwalk long dresses do look lovely on tall, thin girls,” the agency said. “Girls who model at 15 or 16 tend to be thin girls, whose mums are thin, it’s part of their genetics, and obviously they look great in clothes.”

Here is more bullshit from the British body facist brigade:

Sarah Doukas, Kate Moss’s agent, said that her agency, Storm, did not employ unhealthily thin women (but then she would!) “It’s useless to talk about body mass indexes. (erm, actually, no it is not) Who knows what that means apart from your doctor? (anyone with half a brain who eats enough to do the maths you tool!) It depends on different body types. Some people have different muscle density. I believe that girls should just eat healthily, exercise and just be normal. We just wouldn’t use someone who was really underweight or too thin.” (Would you let this woman manage the career of your daughter. Such willful ignorance is nothing short of criminal!)

For anyone intersted, here is the BMI breakdown, do you eat enough to have a brain functioning well enough to understand it?
The Body Mass Index (BMI) indicates whether or not you are overweight for your height
To calculate your BMI:
1. Measure your height in metres and multiply the figure by itself, giving your height squared
2. Measure your weight in kilograms
3. Divide the weight by the height squared

For a woman measuring 1.6m (5ft 3in) and weighing 65kg (10st), the calculation would then be: 1.6 x 1.6 = 2.56. BMI would be 65 divided by 2.56 = 25.39

According to the World Health Organisation if your BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9 you are an ideal weight

BMIs can be inaccurate for people over the age of 60